|I Am Vampire|
|Season 3, Episode 7|
|Air date||September 9, 1998|
|Written by||Maxwell Atoms|
|Directed by||David Feiss|
Honey, I Are Home
I Am Vampire is the 7th episode of season 3. It aired alongside the Cow & Chicken episode, "Chickens Don't Fly/P.E." on September 9, 1998.
In this episode, Weasel and Baboon are vampires living peacefully among the villagers and looking for some fun. However, a pantsless Vampire Hunter (The Red Guy) plans to find the vampires and drive stakes through their hearts.
Weasel and Baboon are vampires residing in a large, abandoned castle in the land of Buttsylvania. One night, they wake up and go out to suck some blood. Before they step outside, Baboon tries to look at his reflection in the mirror, but Weasel reminds him that vampires never have reflections.
Once they step out on the balcony, Weasel shows Baboon the village nearby. Then, Weasel turns into a vampire bat and tells Baboon to do the same. However, Baboon has trouble turning into one, and he turns into a baseball bat at one point. Baboon finally turns into his bat form, and he and Weasel fly off.
Their first stop is the Ye Old Barnyard Club, a night club outside the village. Weasel and Baboon fly inside the barn to see farmers dancing with farm animals before they turn into their vampire forms. The head farmer greets Weasel, who asks the farmer why he and his friends are dancing with animals. The second farmer explains that they are afraid of socializing with women. Weasel comforts the farmer saying that women are hard to understand. But then, the third farmer notices Weasel and Baboon's fangs and panics that they're going to drink their blood, sending the farmers and livestock into panic.
Weasel calmly reminds them that vampires sucking blood is an old wife's tale, as he walks up to a vending machine and receives a can of low-fat blood. The farmers then calm down. Weasel continues that he and Baboon can show their compassionate side by bringing in real women to dance with the farmers and announces that they must clean up the barn. As Weasel and Baboon revert into their bat forms and depart to find the women, the farmers are able to overcome their fear of vampires.
Moments later, a dark, ominous figure storms in to reveal himself as Dr. Van Smellsing, the famous vampire hunter (being played by the Red Guy), who asks the farmers if they have had vampires in their barn. The third farmer claims that the vampires are nice folk, but the Red Guy does not believe them. He only believes that vampires are evil spirits and announces his plan to drive stakes through their hearts. He bids the farmers goodbye and rolls out the door.
The farmers begin to clean the barn, just as they hear someone knocking on the door. Weasel and Baboon arrive with the women as promised, who identify themselves as Gertrude, Hildegarde, and Nora, except for a female vampire. The farmers are able to relax into the women's calm, friendly nature. Next, Weasel leaps on the counter to put on a big band record, therefore beginning the dance. They all have a fun time, while the dejected farm animals sit nearby.
As the head farmer remarks that the vampire hunter never found them, Weasel asks him nervously about the vampire hunter. The situation takes a turn for the worst when Hildegarde tears off her face and dress, revealing to be the Red Guy in disguise. He corners the vampires with a pair of flank steaks which Weasel points out. Then, the Red Guy chucks the steaks at their hearts and declares victory. Weasel, unharmed, gets up and sternly reminds the Red Guy that vampires are peaceful people, before knocking the Red Guy out by biting his rear.
The next night, it turns out Weasel has turned the Red Guy into one of their kind. Having learned from this experience, the Red Guy does his best to turn into his bat form, but he turns into different forms instead, like a hot dog, a squid, a car, and a palm tree. Baboon remarks that the Red Guy that he is the "stupidest vampire", just as he crashes into the mirror. The Red Guy makes fun of Baboon's irony, much to Weasel's embarrassment.
The episode is a satire of the real folklore and the myth that vampires hunt for blood.